young but aging

sat by two young girls from the neighborhood by the church today. the younger one who is about 4 was asking her 10-year old sister to read to her. the sister read slowly, syllable by syllable. i thought as i looked at them that they will grow up to be beautiful girls and hoped they would know things like math and english, and how to use a computer. some people at the church were starting an after-school program for kids in the area. i sometimes think about helping out, but i get so sad and frustrated thinking about inequality sometimes that i tip myself over into apathy.

after that, i had lunch with a friend's 1-year-old for the first time. i liked watching a child that hasn't quite learned how to smile yet. still, she was quite the charmer with her frequent squints and teeth-baring. such a social little girl--the kind that i wasn't.

feeling ridiculously on edge these days. don't know if it's all the deadlines and the intense hourly introspection. really having to think about what i want out of the next 5-10 years. i never thought i'd have to think about it, but if i don't, i'll find that time goes by and i still won't know what i want. and it's where i don't think i want to be.

i keep falling into things and i don't know if i can keep relying on that forever.